Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Will you spare me some gas?

Not much has happened in the last two weeks. The main thing is that I feel drained, completely worn out. I feel like I'm running on the reserve of the reserve. The very last drop of gas, of energy. Every so often the car chokes, doesn't run smooth, like when you're not changing gears smoothly. I break down, and run out of Kleenex. I used to be strong. But nowadays I feel weak. Very weak. I'm still in lots of pain. I haven't been able to control it completely. It comes and goes. Now for instance I'm fine, and so I'm able to think and write. The pain is influencing my sleep greatly. I will wake up every 2-3 hours. It's usually because of the pain. Then I will be up for 2-3 hours before I try to sleep again. This affects my days. I get tired and I take naps during the day. Again no more than 2-3 hours of sleep. So over the course of a full 24 hour day I might be sleeping 8 hours, but during the other 16 I'm often tired. I find myself reading something on the web and dosing off, my head falls back. I shake it up, I start reading again. It really takes a huge emotional toll on me. The pain, the fatigue, the worsening of my left arm and shoulder, the empty days, the waiting and the not know for what. All of these things are also contributing to keeping my undesirable weight. It's hard to eat when you're in pain, and when you're tired. It's especially hard to eat when it's very hard to swallow down the food. I used to be much stronger, but it's been getting harder and harder to shake off all the emotional burden I'm experiencing. All the negativity is strongly in the game. How I'm still holding up I don’t know.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have an MRI to see what has changed. To see if any of the other small tumors decided to grow this year. To grow enough to add more pain. I get claustrophobic when it comes to MRI, and it's going to be a long scan. And since there is no way I can lay down on my back without moving with all this pain I'm having, I will be put out completely for the duration of the scan.

Thursday should be a great day, a day that will hopefully start charging my batteries. All the kittens have been adopted, and the mother is waiting for me. The people at the clinic told me the mother is very friendly and likes to be pet.

Well, it 2:30 at night, I'm going to watch a few more videos of cats, and then sleep (maybe I'll update this post later this week, and add some of the clips I find on YouTube).