Monday, October 8, 2012

Your uneasiness is making me uneasy

I have lots of material of what we could categorize as more serious deep subjects. Some of the material involves feelings and thoughts that might be too personal, some are ideas and thoughts about society (usually things I don't like about society), and some are strong and passionate opinions I have (like peoples' complains about online privacy, especially on FREE websites like Facebook).

I believe I said this before, when I have too much material, I get lost and overwhelmed. I don't know how to organize all my thoughts and where to begin. I also have a tendency to perfectionism in some areas of life, so that too might have stalled me. Or maybe I needed a good break from writing. Also, a lot of these thoughts are unfinished, with no clear point or conclusion (and I feel like they should have one).

I'm in Israel, in the kibbutz (which is celebrating its birthday today), sitting outside at my ima's front yard. I'm going over some of the many hand written notes (I think I have about 30 sheets with notes on both sides). I was thinking about sharing something else a lot longer that I've been putting off because it requires some organization (probably less than what I'm estimating). But as I was going over some of my notes I came by something shorter that I'd thought I start with. Hopefully it will get me going again.

I often feel that people don't want to hear about my life (mainly my health problems). I will avoid situations that might cause people to ask a, what might seem, private question involving my health problems. For example, I might be somewhere in public with friends, and I will notice some people staring or laughing. So I will pretend not to see those people. Sometimes I will notice my friends noticing those people. I will keep walking, looking the other way. I guess I don't want my friends to pity me or make them uncomfortable by having to deal with the situation.

I think that for too many people (friends, family, and others), it seems I'm not comfortable or wanting to talk about and share my health problems (even the small ones, like tears from my left eye which happen because the eye won't blink all the way). Sometimes it depends on the moment, and where I am. Maybe I'm at a loud bar watching a game, or maybe walking in the streets in a hurry somewhere. But more than not being comfortable, I'm just not used to people showing interest and empathy. It could be because I don't give them a chance to ask me questions. Maybe it is because they don't know how or are just uncomfortable from their own reasons.

I tend to get annoyed when friends, family, and other people who know me (not necessarily my health problems) get uncomfortable if someone, say a friend of friend, asks me a question that might seem to be too personal. So now I'm annoyed, and I'm not able to answer this friend's friend's brave question in a warm welcoming way. I'm too ticked off because my friend brought in some tension because of their uneasiness.

Also, I'm pretty sure that some people (usually people I just meet, like a friend of a friend) are uncomfortable around me (if it was the other way around, I might have been so as well). It's hard and frustrating having to make people feel comfortable. I'm quite the anxious person myself, so now I find myself having to make others comfortable and at ease?! Instead I usually tend to not even bother. Perhaps that makes me look a bit anti-social at times. Often I just wait to see who is comfortable to approach me.

This is about where this sheet of notes ends. I just now thought that instead of some conclusion I will just share an old post I wrote about some of my health problems. Problems that it would be nice if people, especially that ones I hang out with, will know and try to remember...

Oh also, my hair is slowly growing back. So far mainly my beard, it looks thin and diluted. Funny thing, last night I had a dream where at one point I was looking in the mirror and I had about an inch long hair on my head. I couldn't understand how it grew so much in one day...

The front yard

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