Want to be in my clip?

תורגם לעברית בהמשך

I had an idea. I want to make a clip of people saying the word “cancer.” I’m not sure what will come of it. I think my main goal is to help people get over their fear from the word “cancer.” My idea for now is to show about a minute of people saying cancer. I want to capture their tone and facial expression.

So, who wants to participate?

Make a video of yourself. 30 seconds. Say the word “cancer” in any language you want. I only know English and Hebrew. Say it any way you like. But I think being natural, just being you, would be best. Maybe I’ll do more than just showing people saying the word “cancer,” so if you feel like saying more, go ahead. Maybe you can share what comes to mind when you think about cancer.

So if you’re interested here are some guidelines:

• Say the word cancer a few times, and if you feel like it then say a sentence. Either do it spontaneous, or prepare what you want to say before. Don’t over think it, just be you.
• Please try to keep the footage you send under 60 seconds (90 max). I'm assuming for most of you it will be under 30 seconds. I mostly concerned about you having to send a large file.
• If you are using a smartphone please make sure you hold your phone horizontally.
• Any language. If it’s not English or Hebrew, let me know what language is it.
• Either indoor or outdoor is fine.
• I will probably not use all footage, no offense. If the responds are great, I might not have room/time for everyone.
• VERY IMPORTANT. How to film yourself: Zoom in and focus on your head, something like this:

Be prepared for this clip to be on YouTube for everyone and anyone to see. I won’t mention people’s names. So it is only your face that people will know.

I’m not sure what will come of this idea. As with many ideas I have, I get excited, I start working on it, and then fail to finish.

I will give about two weeks for people to send me their footage, and then I will start working on it. Send your files here.

Thank you.

חשבתי על רעיון. אני רוצה לעשות קליפ שבו אנשים אומרים את המילה "סרטן". אני לא יודע מה יצא מזה. אני חושב שהרעיון בגדול הוא לעשות קליפ שיגרום לאנשים פחות לחשוש מהמילה "סרטן". אני חושב שאני אראה דקה של אנשים אומרים סרטן. אני רוצה להראות את המבע על הפנים של האנשים והטון של קולם.

רוצים להשתתף?

תצלמו את עצמכם כ-30 שניות. תגידו את המילה "סרטן" באיזה שפה שבא לכם. אני רק יודע אנגלית ועברית. תגידו את המילה באיזו דרך שבא לכם. אבל נראה לי הכי טוב זה אם תהיו טבעים, פשוט תהיו אתם. אולי אני אראה יותר מאנשים שאומרים את המילה "סרטן", אז אם בא לכם להגיד יותר, לכו על זה. אולי אתם יכולים לשתף מה עולה לכם בראש כשאתם חושבים על סרטן.

מי שמעוניין להשתתף הנה כמה הנחיות:

• תגידו את המילה סרטן כמה פעמים, ואם מתחשק לכם תגידו עוד איזה משפט. תהיו ספונטניים או שתכינו מה שאתם רוצים להגיד מראש. אל תחשבו על זה יותר מדי, פשוט תהיו אתם.
• בבקשה לדאוג שההקלטה תהיה מתחת ל60 שניות (90 מקסימום). אני משער שלרוב האנשים תצא הקלטה של פחות מ30 שניות. אני פשוט מנסה שהקובץ שתצטרכו לשלוח לי לא יהיה גדול מדי.
• אם אתם משתמשים במצלמה של הפלאפון שלכם, מאוד חשוב, להחזיק את הפלאפון מאוזן. אני לא אוכל להשתמש במשהו שהוקלט בצורה אנכית.
• איזו שפה שבא לכם. אם זה לא עברית או אנגלית, תגידו לי איזו שפה זו.
• אפשר לצלם בחוץ או בפנים.
• אני כנראה לא אשתמש בכל החומר, שאף אחד לא יעלב. אם הרבה יגיבו, וישלחו הקלטות שלהם, לא יהיה לי מקום בקליפ לכולם.
• מאוד חשוב. צלמו מקרוב, תתמקדו בראש, משהו בסגנון הדוגמא למטה:

תהיו מוכנים לזה שהקליפ יהיה בYouTube וכל אחד שרק רוצה יוכל לראות אותו. אני לא אפרסם שמות של אנשים. אז מי שרואה את הקליפ רק יראה את הפנים שלכם.

אני לא יודע מה יצא מהרעיון הזה. כמו הרבה רעיונות שיש לי, אני מתלהב, מתחיל לעבוד על זה, ולא מצליח לסיים.

יש לכם שבועיים לשלוח לי את הקובץ עם ההקלטה שלכם. אחרי זה אני אתחיל לערוך את החומר.

קבצים אפשר לשלוח לכאן.

תודה רבה.

long over due update

It’s been a while (again) since I've last posted here. I update a bit more frequently on the blog’s Facebook page. You can go here, press the like “button,” and get more updates if you’re a Facebook user. Even if you don’t visit Facebook often I would greatly appreciate it if you go to the blog’s page and press the “like” button. For some of you it might seem like a fake cheap aspect of life (this whole Facebook/social networking), but for me it’s gas to keep going and fighting this battle. Every single “like” is more gas in the tank.

As always feel free to share my blog and it’s Facebook page with anyone you want, absolutely everywhere you feel like. You can share the blog with family, friends, strangers, anyone. If you've read some of my posts in the past, it should be pretty clear that privacy isn't much of an issue for me. And trust me, if there something that I feel is too private, I will simply not write about it.

So I got back from Israel about a month ago. I had a wonderful little vacation. I enjoyed spending time with family and friends very much. It was a well needed break and reward after almost 6 months of chemotherapy. Unfortunately things haven’t been good since then. The pain has come back, and it’s worse than it ever was.

I saw my doctor as soon as I got back from Israel to talk about the plan, how we are going to continue my battle against cancer. The plan was and still is to be on this new medication called Pazopanib. This new medication was recently approved by the FDA. It is meant to keep fighting the cancerous cells. It is some type of chemotherapy just not as aggressive on the body.

I had a chest CT so that we will have a start point before I go on the medication. The CT showed the tumor is stable, but looking at the measurements it seemed to have grown about 2mm (0.08 inch). Not much at all, but the tumor is already very large (larger than a tennis ball), so any small growth can cause dramatic changes. And in my case this little growth appears to be right where some nerves are.

The pain started coming back already in Israel. I think in my last week there I started taking pain pills. It got worse when I got back, and it just kept getting worse. The pain has been worse than it ever was. I might have had a day or a few hours with as much pain as I have now in the past, but it wasn't so constant. The pain has been so bad that I’m now taking more pills than ever. The pain is located a bit under my left shoulder, and more on the back side. The tumor also affects the blood flow to my left arm, so I also have pain there. More than the strength of the pain, it is the fact that it's constant, all day, and I mean all day. It really wears on me. It is very annoying. It makes it hard to do anything. It makes it hard to focus, and it makes it hard to just relax. I currently have 3 different pain medications. Some I take on a regular basis, and some as needed (which is often).

The Pazopanib (the chemo pill) is another pill I take on a daily bases. One thing annoying about it is that I cannot take it with food. I need to take it one hour after a meal, and then I cannot eat for two hours. Of the many side effects this medication has, one of the main ones is that it causes high blood pressure, so I have to take another pill to reduce my blood pressure. I also have to check and keep track of my blood pressure every day.

I don’t know if it is the pain, all the medications, or my mood, probably all together, but another thing I've been suffering from lately is loss of appetite. If you know me, can you imagine that? Me, not having appetite?! Me, not wanting to eat?! I've never thought I’d say that. I've lost a lot of weight, but I mean a lot. I lost about 10kg (about 20 pounds) in less than a month. I cannot remember a time where I ate so little.

I also cannot drink alcohol with all the medications. I’m not going to take any chances, and maybe just have one drink. No, I’m not going to be drinking at all (not that I’m much of a drinker anyways). Driving is also a problem because all these pain pills can cause drowsiness. So now I’m dependable on others to drive me around. I sometime feel fine to drive, but I prefer not to risk it especially if I’m with someone who can drive instead of me. Sleeping is another issue. Since obviously you cannot take pills while you’re asleep, after a few hours of sleep, the pain pills wear off and the pain starts to come back, and that wakes me up in the middle of the night. Then, ok, I can take more pills because I'm up, but of course it can take more than 30 minutes until the medication kicks in. Also, all these pills are causing me nausea, so much that a few times I've puked the little food I was able to eat.

I feel as if I’m drowning in a pool of despair. I thought and had hopes that things will be much better when I get back from Israel. I felt great after I finished the 6 long chemotherapy rounds. The pain was completely gone, the chemo worked well, the tumor was stable, I was eating, and I weighted I think 71kg, a nice healthy number for someone my size especially after getting so much chemo drugs. I thought I will be on this new chemo pill, maybe have to deal with some minor side effects, but life would pretty much be back to normal (at least what’s normal for me).

I thought I would be free to do pretty much whatever. Maybe go back to school, maybe find a job. Go back to working out in the gym so I can get stronger and healthier. If not school, then at least just learn something on my own, by myself, taking my time. Maybe work on some application ideas I have for smartphones. Something… anything... Instead I feel like I’m losing it. The pain is really drawing all the energy out of me. It’s hard to relax and focus on things. It’s hard to get up and push yourself to do anything (that’s one reason why it took me so long to finally write here on this blog).

The main idea, after starting the Pazopanib, was actually to move back to Israel where I felt I would have a lot more support from family and friends. Where I have adorable niece and nephew that I could charge up, fill my energy tank simply by sniffing them. But with all this pain, I guess it will be wiser to first see that I can control it. And also see how the Pazopanib medication is working. I’m probably going to have a CT in a few weeks. If there is no change then I will probably have some more chemo rounds. Not as long and drastic as the first ones. Just a one day, a few hours in hospital chemo, but it will still weaken me in the following two weeks.

Not being able to get myself to do more with my days is a wonderful recipe for thoughts. And in my case it’s mostly negative and distractive thoughts. Thoughts that are hammering me left and right. I feel like I’m stuck in this circle where I’m trying to push myself, to get myself to do more, to distract myself from all the bad things, the pain, the thoughts, the anger. Yet I keep coming back to the same point over and over again.

It feels like many people, friends and family, are in denial. Once again, I hardly hear from anyone. Maybe they are in denial about my situation, about the fact I have cancer. Maybe I should just get out there, and make it clear: I do not know if I’ll see tomorrow. I know it’s not easy to read these lines, but it’s harder to deal with what they mean as the person with the cancer, especially when you feel abounded by so many people. Perhaps they think something like “ah, it will be fine, you’ll get out of it, we will laugh about this a year from now.” But no people, this is absolutely not certain that I will be here a year from now. This tumor I have is big. It is very big. This tumor is big and in a very complex area involved with many main important crucial arteries, some that are from the heart to the brain. Even if this tumor was not cancerous it would still be life threatening because of it’s location and what it has done to all the arteries in the area.

Before all this pain started, this pain that created this wave of negativity, I was able to get some joy. The San Francisco Giants won the World Series, after an unforgettable playoff run. For those who don’t follow sport, I’m talking about baseball. In the first series (which is pretty much the quarter finals) the Giants were down 2-0 in a best of 5 series. They won the next 3 games, and moved on to next stage. There, they were once again down and behind. This time they were down 3-1 in a best of 7 series. They won games 5, 6, and 7 for a ticket to the finals where they faced the Detroit Tigers. In the finals (another best of 7 series) it was a completely different story. The San Francisco Giants won the first 4 games, sweeping the Tigers, and winning the title. It was the second title in the last 3 years. No one gave the Giants a chance to win it all. And that’s probably because most of the commentators are from the east coast. I guess all those commentators were stuck in some bubble.

As you can see my hair is back everywhere (and I mean everywhere).

Your uneasiness is making me uneasy

I have lots of material of what we could categorize as more serious deep subjects. Some of the material involves feelings and thoughts that might be too personal, some are ideas and thoughts about society (usually things I don't like about society), and some are strong and passionate opinions I have (like peoples' complains about online privacy, especially on FREE websites like Facebook).

I believe I said this before, when I have too much material, I get lost and overwhelmed. I don't know how to organize all my thoughts and where to begin. I also have a tendency to perfectionism in some areas of life, so that too might have stalled me. Or maybe I needed a good break from writing. Also, a lot of these thoughts are unfinished, with no clear point or conclusion (and I feel like they should have one).

I'm in Israel, in the kibbutz (which is celebrating its birthday today), sitting outside at my ima's front yard. I'm going over some of the many hand written notes (I think I have about 30 sheets with notes on both sides). I was thinking about sharing something else a lot longer that I've been putting off because it requires some organization (probably less than what I'm estimating). But as I was going over some of my notes I came by something shorter that I'd thought I start with. Hopefully it will get me going again.

I often feel that people don't want to hear about my life (mainly my health problems). I will avoid situations that might cause people to ask a, what might seem, private question involving my health problems. For example, I might be somewhere in public with friends, and I will notice some people staring or laughing. So I will pretend not to see those people. Sometimes I will notice my friends noticing those people. I will keep walking, looking the other way. I guess I don't want my friends to pity me or make them uncomfortable by having to deal with the situation.

I think that for too many people (friends, family, and others), it seems I'm not comfortable or wanting to talk about and share my health problems (even the small ones, like tears from my left eye which happen because the eye won't blink all the way). Sometimes it depends on the moment, and where I am. Maybe I'm at a loud bar watching a game, or maybe walking in the streets in a hurry somewhere. But more than not being comfortable, I'm just not used to people showing interest and empathy. It could be because I don't give them a chance to ask me questions. Maybe it is because they don't know how or are just uncomfortable from their own reasons.

I tend to get annoyed when friends, family, and other people who know me (not necessarily my health problems) get uncomfortable if someone, say a friend of friend, asks me a question that might seem to be too personal. So now I'm annoyed, and I'm not able to answer this friend's friend's brave question in a warm welcoming way. I'm too ticked off because my friend brought in some tension because of their uneasiness.

Also, I'm pretty sure that some people (usually people I just meet, like a friend of a friend) are uncomfortable around me (if it was the other way around, I might have been so as well). It's hard and frustrating having to make people feel comfortable. I'm quite the anxious person myself, so now I find myself having to make others comfortable and at ease?! Instead I usually tend to not even bother. Perhaps that makes me look a bit anti-social at times. Often I just wait to see who is comfortable to approach me.

This is about where this sheet of notes ends. I just now thought that instead of some conclusion I will just share an old post I wrote about some of my health problems. Problems that it would be nice if people, especially that ones I hang out with, will know and try to remember... http://www.ilanoflife.com/2012/06/some-things-you-should-know-especially.html

Oh also, my hair is slowly growing back. So far mainly my beard, it looks thin and diluted. Funny thing, last night I had a dream where at one point I was looking in the mirror and I had about an inch long hair on my head. I couldn't understand how it grew so much in one day...

The front yard

Update

I saw the surgeon, and like I anticipated, he said he doesn't want to operate at all. There are too many main blood vessels involved. Which made me think that even if the tumor is clean of malignant parts, it could still cause some serious damages. Instead of a surgery, I will probably go on this medicine called Pazopanib which is supposed to keep killing the cancerous cells. But before all that I'm flying to Israel to visit family and friends.

I went to see the team to beat, also known as the 49ers, take down the Lions on Sunday night with my brother. We had a good time. Alex Smith looked solid. If he keeps it up, he will earn the MVP. Next day, at a supermarket 5 minutes from my place, Vernon Davis was promoting... well I don't really remember I was excited to see and get an autograph from #85 (I think it might have been some chocolate milk drink).

pretty nice view right? (during pregame)

with 49ers TE Vernon Davis

BOGO

What do you think when you read the following text? (it's a text message I sent to about 10 friends).

"Big special for Thursday night football (during the game only): buy one beer get one beer. All you drunkies come on down. Will the Packers be 0 and 2 or will the Bears be 2 and 0, find out tonight ONLY at the Matrix. Please forget to make ur picks in the league."

Some of you might think “wow Packers vs. Bears, that’s a big game, should be a fun night.” It is in fact the oldest rivalry in football (American). Thursday’s game was the 185th time these two teams played each other. If you follow sports maybe you also laughed because I was saying in other words “will the Packers lose, or will the Bears win.”

Some might wonder why I’m asking you to forget to make your picks (we have a pick’em league where each week you pick the winner of each game). I’m actually trying to remind people, in a funny way, to make their picks (I did not forget to write “don’t” before “forget”).

Yet most of you probably focused on the BOGO (Buy One, Get One). So did my friends to whom I texted this message.

The Matrix is a new small casino/card room 10 minutes from my place. They have a great bar with huge TVs and lots of them. I haven’t been out too much lately, you know, because of this whole cancer thing I have... I wanted to hang out with my friends, and watch this big game on the big screens.

Some of you might think “aahhh, you sneaky bastard! You mislead your friends to believe the casino is giving away free beer.” But no! I was just trying to be funny. Surely, if you read this text you might be thinking something like "ka-ching, free beer." But, I did not say “free” did I?!

I made sure not to write the word “free,” so that no one could accuse me of false information. And if anyone would take me too seriously, I could point out that I never said “free.” I simply said: you buy one beer, you get exactly what you paid for, and that is ONE freaking beer. HAHAHA. Yeah ok I'll admit, it was a little misleading.

I thought my friends would all get that I’m exaggerating and joking. However, I was curious to see if anyone would actually think it’s for real. I didn’t think anyone of my friends would fall for it. I mean, come on! I’ve never been or heard of a bar that has a “buy one, get one free” special on beers. I’ve seen many bars that have “happy hour” with discounted beers, but never “buy one, get one free.” I also don’t think any of my friends heard of such a special before. It looks like they’re lacking some basic critical thinking. When you read a text like the one I sent, you should be thinking to yourself “What?! No way, that’s too good to be true, he is probably just joking around.”

I gave other hints that the whole text is a joke. Most of them keep up with sports and for sure knew that the Packers, who lost to the GREAT 49ERS last week, are 0 and 1, and that the Bears who won last week are 1 and 0. So I was saying the same, later in the text message, when I said "Will the Packers be 0 and 2 or will the Bears be 2 and 0" which means in other words "heads I win, tails you lose." (Yeah I know I explained this at the beginning, I just had to throw in the 49ers, especially after they DOMINATED the Packers).

I kept going saying "Please forget to make ur picks in the league." Which is an unusual way to remind people something, right?! I was trying to be funny. Perhaps I was funny, but I only made myself laugh.

In my mind, as I was writing and coming up with this brilliant hilarious material, I was also acting it. I was pretending to read this text out loud like some commercial you hear on the radio only with exaggeration. Exaggeration that should have made it clear it's not real, and that I'm just trying to be funny. I guess it didn't work. Or maybe it did. It depends on what we are asking I was trying to achieve. Did I get people to show up? Yes. Did people get that I was joking? No. Did I actually want my friends the get that my text was a joke? hhhmmmm...

Things got quite funny come game time. I was already at the bar, and one by one my innocent friends (I think this is still the current status) came up to the casino's bar, and asked the bartender about today's special. I think most of them had a good laughed about it (some might have taken it too seriously, and won't trust what I say no more, haha). Some actually seemed a little hesitate to ask the bartender. Instead they quietly asked me first. This might mean that they suspected the text message was a joke, but they score no kudo points, for they still seriously asked me about the special. One actually replied to my text with an "lol."

So that was that. I wanted the Bears to win, but they lost. They lost and looked very bad, and that's after a nice win last week. This Sunday I'm going to see the GREAT 49ERS vs. the Lions with my brother. Should be a fun game. I'm predicting a Niners win by more than 10 points, say 27-13. Last Friday I had some scans, and then saw my oncologist on Monday. In short, she is very pleased with things. Though she still says I will need a surgery at one point or another. I will see the surgeon next week to see if he feels that it is now safe to operate. Last I saw him he wasn’t excited about doing a surgery at all, and was hoping the chemo alone could take care of things. If the surgeon says that he still doesn’t think it is safe to operate, I will go on a medicine called Pazopanib. It is a new medicine that is meant to keep killing the cancer cells. I might have to take it for a year. And if this medicine is doing its job, it probably means no more chemo.

P.S. if you didn’t laugh during this post please go look for you sense of humor in the lost and found.